DiaryDilemma

Life on its victorys, and bullshits

Take a hint

Ive become friends with a guy that I used to work with back in highschool. We hang out every day or every other day for a bit and usually just smoke some weed than I ususally leave. Nothing more than that. He once confided in me that had feelings for me, and I told him right off the bat that we were just friends and that I wasnt looking for anything more than that. He has since than brought it up several times Or made references to it. Often when hes drunk hell text me about it or corner my friends into a conversation about me asking them why I dont like him back.  I dont feel like im leading him on but I could be wrong. I go there everyday usually when theres other friends there just to chill. But I just act like myself and usually dress like a bum because I dont want to give the wrong impression. How should I handle this situation.

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Regret regret regret

When your gut instinct tells you something, it usually isnt lying. From the day I started speaking to my ex I knew it was a dangerous idea. But I felt in control of my emotions, my actions and I was having so much fun. The void has finally been filled, those lonely evenings a lot less quiet. Waking up to text messages, or getting messages throughout the day. I finally was feeling happy and light, stress free.

I knew I was in danger when I was online and I saw his name pop up beside a girls name, this feeling I felt inside. Ive felt in MANY times before, but I hadnt in some time.  That emotion thats a combination of sadness and anger…Jealousy. Oh god,  I knew I was in trouble in that moment. From there on out its been a battle for me, constantly feeling jealous or questioning everything about myself. Hes constantly apolgizing we let things get this far and let ” our ” feelings get involved.  It makes me laugh when he puts himself into my emotions. I mean, whats he sorry for if he could not be sorry and be with me? Exclusively? Social media feeds always blowing up while he adds random broads from all around where we live. It seriously gets to me these days, and all of my girlfriends told me to just keep my mouth shut and let it go…well….. I cannot ever bite my tongue and I let a comment slip. He had thought I was joking until I continued with my secretive jabs letting him know that I knew he was skeezy. His excuses really made me laugh, and I couldnt help but feel complete regret for showing I was jealous.

I feel this is a complete waste of time, seeing as how hes told me he doesnt want a serious relationship right now. He says he doesnt wanna be with anyone else and that he would tell me had something happend. For some reason hearing that isnt good enough for me. What is the goal? Its like running on a fuckin’ treadmill, I keep running and running and it just keeps going without reaching the top. My mind is slowly getting more involved and attached to him all over again, it feels like im back in grade ten. With all those nice lovey feelings, but more than anything. All of those shitty insecurities are coming to the surface again, the lack of trust and just straight stress. How the hell do you walk away from someone you have history with and get along with so well, and dont get me started on the sexual chemistry because that itself is enough to keep me coming back. I look at him and see everything Im attracted to. Its the damn beard and muscles I tell you. I can feel myself starting to fall apart at the seams though and I think its become pretty obvious now that ive vocalized it several times now.

love struck idiot.

Back and forth

I often see couples together smiling and laughing, and I feel a wince of jealousy. It actually makes me sick, im awfully jaded. This should tell me im not ready for a relationship. It should just come to me naturally, that’s when its real. But I started to crave things that are IN a relationship. I am only human so of course things crossed my mind. Having a friend with benefits was never something I thought I’d do. But i am doing it. Its a daily struggle of telling myself I don’t like him and that it could never be. I mean he has a child, and he just, I could never trust him. The sexual chemistry is off the charts and its very hard not to be emotionally attached. I have to remind myself that In not in a time or place for a serious relationship, nor am I a promiscuous person so, why wouldn’tbbfbsbb fulfilling some of those boyfriends rolls through someone I trust be a bad thing? I am really hoping things end smoothly when the time comes. I worry that it will be the opposite of that….

My relation(shit) with my mother

I feel almost guilty talking about this, but I feel like it weighs down my shoulders. Since I can remember my mom has been a hard ass. A hard working woman, over opinionated, a pretty good mom. Shes given me everything and more. Material things, she paid for my schooling and I know if I needed her she would help me no problem. But emotionally, I dislike my mother. When she walks in the room im rushing to leave, and when she asks me her annoying questions for the 10th time I cant help but just grunt back. She had an aneurism when I was young and she hasn’t been the same sense ( I guess ) I don’t really remember her that well before she had it. She was still mean with her words from what I recall. She is a normal working woman in society but shes known for her personality in my town. And its embarrassing for me, people assume the same of me and I know it. I feel jealous sometimes of other woman’s relationship with their mothers. It seems like such a beautiful bond that could be there. Instead I dread coming home to where I know my mother is waiting for me. I feel terrible saying all of this but its the truth. Shes done and said so many hurtful things I feel so bitter to her. Its honestly not something that could be worked on either, shes like a child now on top of the dominant personality. I don’t know if anyone else has every lived with someone whose suffered from am aneurism but its really difficult to live with without constantly being stressed or having anxiety.

Old Flame

A couple of months ago I ran into my ex boyfriend from high school. My first love, but most of all – my first and worst heart break. We dated for 3 years throughout school, him slowly climbing the hockey ladder and every girls heart on the way. I was pretty heart broken when he moved and we broke up – although I couldn’t totally blame the move on the break up. It was strange when I saw him at the bar though, I felt this weird feeling in my stomach. We started talking and buying drinks all night, he kept making my cheeks flush and I felt like a high school girl all over again. From than on we would occasionally hookup and text from time to time. I felt set on not getting overly involved with him but after we met up at a music festival, I kinda of just let it go. Call me crazy but one night it was just us two dancing under the stars to some of the best artists. Deep and loud bass, you can feel it in every inch of your body. We were dancing to excision and suddenly we were just making out hot and heavy to the biggest drop. It was so steamy and I felt like I was back in grade 10 sneaking around to meet up with him. It was the craziest thing, I don’t know if I can quite explain it. Since than we’ve been hanging out sometimes and talking daily. Lately its been getting to my head, we’ve discussed relationships in the past and we both agreed we weren’t in the right place in our lives to be dating. As we both want to move within the year and move onto new jobs and/or schooling. The more we talk and hang out though I get this sense of sadness within, like having something toyed infront of you that you just cant seem to reach. I know the wise thing to do would be to end it now before I get hurt. But there’s something within me that just wants to tell him how i’ve seem to fall for him all over again….this couldn’t end well could it..?

New Chapter

Life passes by so quickly, I actually cant believe it sometimes. One day its Christmas the next its Valentines day! Literally in a flash of the eye. My last couple of months have been a klusterfuk of emotions. I left my boyfriend, a man i’ve had ups and downs with since day one. Im so absoutely inlove with him that its unhealthy. Hes an amazing person but I always feel like im walking on eggshells around him. Anything could set him off than he would be cruel for days on end. It was really difficult to deal with, the ups and the downs. It was very hard for me to move out of his house. Im still struggling with it 3 weeks later, sometimes out of no where I just cry. I feel weak and I text him right away demanding to know why he didnt try harder, or why he felt I didnt deserve respect from him.  Its draining really, but on the opptimistic side of things the freedom is great. I can do what I want, when I want, with who ever I want and it thats feels. I feel like the tight leash I had around my neck has been broken and im free to roam. Ive bought 4 tickets to several different music festivals this Summer. Thats the only thing keeping me going is knowing Im gonna be dancing under the stars with all my close friends. Nothing but music dancing and completely spirtual freedom. Just be my fuckin’ age and explore and make mistakes, what do I have to lose really?

Flip of the switch

I’m not really certain what a “normal” relationship is – i suppose everyones relationships are very unique in their own way. Im so utterly infatuated with my boyfriend; these past couple of months I really felt us growing closer than ever. Always laughing and just spending hours on end together. Whether we were dirt biking beside the river or just lounging in bed all day its always the bees knees – no where else id rather be than in his arms. But slowly his lack of trust for me is chipping away at everything I hold true. I can tell you with all honesty that I am a very trust worth and loyal person. When it comes to relationships I could never live with myself had I cheated or did something inappropriate. Its just not my nature at all, and anyone who is close to me knows this. Im most definitely an open minded and sexual person but that is only with my partner! Being promiscuous just isn’t my slice, I respect my body its my temple. But from day one I noticed his little jealous tendancies, of course like many girls do I thought it was cute. It was nice to finally have a man that was a little protective over me, someone who gave a crap. But now its slowly becoming very frequent and aggressive. I feel like I can’t talk to any of my close buddies that I grew up with because I know there’s a watchful eye on me. I can chat briefly but I feel myself holding back smiles and deep convos to avoid that confrontation with him. When it’s just me and him he has the ability to make me feel so loved and well..perfect. Than a switch flips and im being accused of cheating and doing absolutely ridiculous things. Accusations that almost could make me laugh they’re so bizarre. Last night a huge crew of us stayed a sleazy hotel and went bar hopping, it was a great night everyone was vibing out and just having a good time. After the bar my boyfriend had passed out hard but the 2 others that were staying in the room with us were wide away still too. So we had went down to our friends room down the hall to smoke a joint before bed. The next morning I had told him we did so and he seemed kinda caught of guard but dropped it. When we had arrived home late afternoon he asked me again if i had left the room after he started sleeping and again I said yes – he than went on to saying he was done with me, he told me to get the fuck out and never come back. I was so overly confused about this blow up, I actually couldn’t believe how big of a deal he was making it. I apologized for leaving him alone in the room but explained it was for a short period with my close friends. Than he kept saying – what else are you sorry for, you know what you did. This baffled me, I know what I did? Was he genuinely accusing me of cheating in those few moments I was with some friends? Like how could he possibly have heard a rumor in that amount of time, and not only that but a room full of MY friends? He literally had to have pulled it out of thin air. I dont understand why, How do I go about dealing with someone I love so much but is so untrusting and insecure in a way. Who just makes up these things about their partner in their head than acts on it? Im so confused.

=sincerely a mind fucked love struck idiot