When your gut instinct tells you something, it usually isnt lying. From the day I started speaking to my ex I knew it was a dangerous idea. But I felt in control of my emotions, my actions and I was having so much fun. The void has finally been filled, those lonely evenings a lot less quiet. Waking up to text messages, or getting messages throughout the day. I finally was feeling happy and light, stress free.
I knew I was in danger when I was online and I saw his name pop up beside a girls name, this feeling I felt inside. Ive felt in MANY times before, but I hadnt in some time. That emotion thats a combination of sadness and anger…Jealousy. Oh god, I knew I was in trouble in that moment. From there on out its been a battle for me, constantly feeling jealous or questioning everything about myself. Hes constantly apolgizing we let things get this far and let ” our ” feelings get involved. It makes me laugh when he puts himself into my emotions. I mean, whats he sorry for if he could not be sorry and be with me? Exclusively? Social media feeds always blowing up while he adds random broads from all around where we live. It seriously gets to me these days, and all of my girlfriends told me to just keep my mouth shut and let it go…well….. I cannot ever bite my tongue and I let a comment slip. He had thought I was joking until I continued with my secretive jabs letting him know that I knew he was skeezy. His excuses really made me laugh, and I couldnt help but feel complete regret for showing I was jealous.
I feel this is a complete waste of time, seeing as how hes told me he doesnt want a serious relationship right now. He says he doesnt wanna be with anyone else and that he would tell me had something happend. For some reason hearing that isnt good enough for me. What is the goal? Its like running on a fuckin’ treadmill, I keep running and running and it just keeps going without reaching the top. My mind is slowly getting more involved and attached to him all over again, it feels like im back in grade ten. With all those nice lovey feelings, but more than anything. All of those shitty insecurities are coming to the surface again, the lack of trust and just straight stress. How the hell do you walk away from someone you have history with and get along with so well, and dont get me started on the sexual chemistry because that itself is enough to keep me coming back. I look at him and see everything Im attracted to. Its the damn beard and muscles I tell you. I can feel myself starting to fall apart at the seams though and I think its become pretty obvious now that ive vocalized it several times now.
love struck idiot.